Let me start by asking you something: look deeply into my eyes for a few seconds and try to remember if you've ever seen anything like that before. Isn't your belly starting to feel funny?
Well, I am Detmar, and... I'M THE MAN!
I'm a direct descendant from Jesus Christ, and Elvis Presley was my cousin, and I've decided to give you all an opportunity to become my official fans. By doing this, you will have a unique opportunity to get in touch with the most important secrets of my personal success.
At the age of 13 I was already recognized by many as one of the most important entities in the known Universe. For the last years I have received billions of messages of love and affection. It all started when the almighty decided that this planet was needing a MAN, and of course, He choose me! Since that, I've received letters from the most beautiful women, the richest people, the brightest minds. Last week I even received an offer from an African citizen, known for having the biggest penis in the world: he wanted to donate it to me!!! I told him the color didn't match, but... guess what? I really don't need it. with all my powers, nothing is impossible, and I can deal with my 5 cm dick very well!
So, all I ask you is to fill the subscription, send it to me, and then wait until you receive a sign. This will be a signal, meaning that you have been accepted in a new congregation of love.
Please, stay updated as I will be posting new information as often as possible.
A big kiss for you all!
9 comentários:
Dear LORD, Almighty Det...
PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE let me be your 1st ever "official" disciple...
It would be an HONOR, and greatest joy of all, to dedicate my life in venerating you!
An humble fan of yours
Mr P'
Dear Pierik,
My love has no limits and it is a pleasure for me to accept you as a disciple. I do however want to remind you that this implies a series of strict obligations: you have to say my special MAN-mantra out loud five times per day (05:30, 09:00, 12:00 17:00 and 21:07), furthermore there should be a poster of me (real size) on your northern wall with fresh flowers standing in the middle and most importantly: always be at the masters’ disposal. If you accept these conditions then I’d be happy to teach you my lessons.
Be good,
Detmar, ¨the MAN¨
Dearest of all,
Acknowledge that I already own such poster...
And there's not only one in my bedroom but also in ALL the rooms of my humble flat (only dedicated to You Master of all things) and in my workplace (that I use ONLY to spread your venerated and sacred words).
Such Altar full of flowers and citations of yours is already part of my furniture and I also decided to double my prayers to you and do 10 per day instead of only 5.
I understand that your word is worth more than ANYTHING in the Universe but please understand that my devotion to You could not be satisfied with only 5 prayers...
Would you now please teach me Your lessons?
With respect and Love,
Mr P'
Dear Pierik,
It is inspiring to work with devoted pupils like you. I’m happy to learn that you have placed my picture everywhere in your environment; such actions do indeed fasten the way to enlightenment. It is however through earnestness that results are achieved and patience is an essential requirement to reach my superior state of mind. Indeed it is very good to double the prayers but make sure that they are pure and clean. In order to help you I would like to suggest you do the following: get up at 04:30 AM and start the day with the traditional ‘I’m the MAN-mantra’, then don’t wank as you usually do, but rather
visualize yourself being in the enlightened state of mind as your MASTER.
I trust these guidelines will help you find your path.
Love and peace,
Detmar
I don´t know if you know about your "MAN" but he leaves his earwax on my kitchen counter all the time. I don´t know if I should take this as a blessing, but I usually decide to apply some bleach on it and scrape it with a vulgar kitchen sponge (so I can prepare my daily scrambled eggs with ease).
As it has come to my knowledge, these religious cults strated to grow worldwide, so I have soon started to put the growing amount of earwax of your sacred "Man" aside in a jar. I offer you fans a whole gram of this holy bodily fluid on a very nice price! Please get in contact with me if you wish to purchase some brown-orange blessings from our great Detmar! - Agnes
And who is this impetuous girl trying to throw mud to our eyes? Who is she? Where does she come from? HOW DARE YOU, MISS RENDBEZSOLI? Brothers, let's fight together this monstrous, outrageous attack to our beloved leader! Let's show these youngsters some goos manners. Throw her in the fire!
Dear Mr tiago elmeida. Answering your thoughtful questions: I am Agnes, and I come from Hungary. In addition: I sell earwax on a good price.
Dear students,
In the past few days I’ve been receiving messages from worried pupils about the ear wax issue. Let me clarify and reassure you: my special orange-brown fluids are extremely beneficial for your health and state of mind and Ms. Rendbezsoli has been a trustworthy pupil ever since she came to my ashram. The ear wax should be applied three times per day on your eyelashes and butt hairs.
You’ll be astounded by the results if you apply them correctly. Beware of any imposters selling any copies. You can easily determine whether your product is genuine by tasting a little bit of it on your tongue; the taste should be bitter and somewhat spicy.
Yours faithfully,
THE MASTER
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